SMALL TALK

from McSweeney’s

YOUR NEWBORN’S CRIES DECODED: A GUIDE FOR MANHATTANITES.

JAY WELCH

Neh = “I’m hungry.”

Wah = “I’m thirsty.”

Owh = “I’m physically uncomfortable.”

Eairh, or urh = “I need to be burped.”

Dih = “I need you to change my disposable jean diapers.”

Fah, or fah-fah = “These pureed carrots were not grown locally.”

Toh-lah = “My stroller just became painfully unstylish.”

Eb-bah = “The Wi-Fi signal is not currently reaching my crib.”

Ba-mah, or bamh = “I am having a crisis of faith in the President.”

Nee-nah, or nooo-ah = “I have to donate to NPR again.”

*and some additions from a Manhattan mommy (me):

Nin-Eee = “What? You’re not breast feeding? I hope you’re ready to pay for my future therapy sessions.”

Boo-jee = “These second-hand clothes from my brother are an identity crisis in the making.”

Twee-twee = “I want my own ipad to play angry birds”

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